youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
