Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
