I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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