We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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