anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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