you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
