The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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