apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
