Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
