It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
