I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
