when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
