You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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