You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
