"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
