Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
