yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
