My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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