Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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