He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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