they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
