ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The chlamydia really affected his face.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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