I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
