Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
