I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
