i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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