so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize