I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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