My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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