New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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