I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
