Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize