Please, let me fuck your mom
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
