Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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