I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The beers last night were like the tears from god
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
