I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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