so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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