im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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