ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
