...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
