Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
