On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
