Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
