I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
