go do what you do best...puke behind churches
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
