I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
