I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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