I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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