Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
