I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
did i just pee glitter
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
